I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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