The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
