who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
