I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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