I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
