Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
well you can't waste a boner
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
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