I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
