Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
