the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
