all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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