highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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