apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
