Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
