I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
