I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
