new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
