hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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