I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
