He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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