hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
