So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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