i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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