It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
