I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
