4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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