I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
