My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
