All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
