Just fell off a train. Bad.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
