Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
