Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
