I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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