i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
