dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
