I heard we made out
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
