his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
