UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
