Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
