Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
