Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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