Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
