why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
