We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
