literally had 100 drinks last night.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
