Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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