I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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