She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
