i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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