tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
