remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
