Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
