theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
