Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
